[Humour] Route to 112, Mercer Street, Princeton, New Jersey

Vice-Chancellor of Princeton University got a call at mid night. The other person was asking for the route to "112, Mercer Street". Immediately after hearing that question, he got up and asked,

"I don't know who you are. But, why do you want to disturb such a big personality at this time".

It was the address of Albert Einstein.

The reply was,

"I am Albert Einstein. I forgotten the route to my house".

How Different Companies Respond to New Requirements

Apple

You don't need that functionality. We know what you need more than you. Don't argue with us. You don't need that functionality.

Open Source

That functionality is already implemented. You cannot come up with any requirement, which we have not yet implemented. May be they are just command line tools and may not have UI. Most of the companies just develop the UI on top of our libraries and sell as if they developed it everything themselves.

Microsoft

Nobody is asking us the requirements. Everybody is just hacking our software, and developing whatever they want. When we release newer version, and if those hacks do not work, then they just blame on us saying that, we don't maintain the backward-compatibility. The open source enthusiasts criticize us that, Linux is more windows friendly than Windows Vista, eventhough the fault is with those who hacked our softwares and developed applications with unsupported, undocumented, undisclosed internal APIs.

Google

We give 99% of the functionality required by 99.99% of the people. If you are in the minority, pray God.

Had Sivamani been in Software Industry

Sivamani (Software developer) to the Manager:

I worked with 10 managers in 7 years in 2 companies. Ask any manager, "Sivamani strongly rejected my design. Can I go ahead with that?" If atleast one manager says, you can go ahead, then I will not interfere in your design again.


For those who did not watch the movie Sivamani, starring Nagarjuna,

Sivamani, (Sub Inspector of Police) says to the Liquor shop owner:

I worked at 8 places in 4 years. Ask anybody in those areas. "Sivamani asked to close the shop. Can I continue the business?" If atleast one person says, "there is no problem, you can continue", I will not interfere in your business again.

[Humour] Airlines

A man at the airline counter tells the representative, “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.

The representative says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”

The man replied, "Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you."

God Sent Me to Show How to Play Cricket

Courtesy: Rajesh Tiruveedula

Joke on Intel and McAfee

Intel CEO: "We need antivirus, can someone buy me McAfee?"
Few hours later,
"Done."
"Great, which version?"
"Version ... ?"

I read this joke few days back, and I could not understand it. Today, I understood it after reading the news that, Intel bought McAfee.

Bhavathah nama kim?

A Sanskrit teacher is teaching Sanskrit, and for all the students, it was their first class in Sanskrit.

Teacher: mama naama vasuvaj. mama naama vasuvaj. bhavatah naama kim? (My name is Vasuvaj. My name is Vasuvaj. What is your name?)

Student: mama naama kim.

Teacher: mama naama vasuvaj. bhavatah naama kim? (My name is Vasuvaj. What is your name?)

Student: mama naama kim.

Teacher: mama naama vasuvaj. eshah naama krishnah. bhavatah naama kim? (My name is Vasuvaj. His name is Krishna. What is your name?)

Student: mama naama kim.

Teacher: mama naama vasuvaj. eshaa naama radhaa. bhavatah naama kim? (My name is Vasuvaj. Her name is Radha. What is your name?)

Student: mama naama kim.

Later on, the teacher realized that the student's name is Kim.

Told by my Sanskrit teacher Sri Vasuvaj.

Quotes From the Book 2 States by Chetan Bhagath

Anyway, I’d heard Citibank had four hundred vice-presidents to accommodate careers and egos of hundreds of new MBAs that joined every year.

Devesh, like anyone who works in HR, had never taken a real decision in his life.

When in doubt, the pretty girl is always right.

(His Parents) They’d have a problem with anyone I choose (for marriage).

(Mother of Punjabi Boy) These South Indians don't know how to control their daughters. From Hema Malini to Sridevi, all of them trying to catch Punjabi Men.

I was his trophy to be sold in the market to the highest bidder. (for marriage)

Kamala said, we should not buy anything major until you get married. We don't want duplicate items.

(One North Indian Woman says) God has given them (South Indian Girls) a brain, and nothing else.

Power of Google

The Fast Japanese and the Indian

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!!. After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

A while later a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!".

The driver was a little mad, but he kept quiet and this went on for quite a number of cars, finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 900 rupees!!! The Japanese exclaimed, "What?... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter Made in India, VERY VERY FAST!"

Source: Funtoosh

Tax Structure in India

Question 1.. : What are you doing?
Ans. : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 2 : What are you doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!

Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI

Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

Question 5: How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX

Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory...
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

Question 8 : Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

Question 9 : Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes -- Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No -- Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX

Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX

Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Services?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX

Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans. : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX

Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX

Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX

Question 17 : Have you purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE

Question 18 : How you Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE

Question 19.: Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX

Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY

Question 21: Can I die now??
Ans : Wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!

Source: Funtoosh

Exam based on twenty twenty format!

Cricket has reached exciting levels with the introduction of twenty twenty ... Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestions:-

1. Reduce exam duration to 1 hr and marks to 50.

2. Introduce strategic break after 30 minutes.

3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.

4. First 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall. (Wow…!!! I will love this....!)

5. Introduce fair play awards.

6. Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written!

Source: Funtoosh

Quote of the Day

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A Programmer dies and goes to heaven.

He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The programmer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

Source: Funtoosh

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully.... Try and answer within 30 seconds.

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

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If your answer is:

Giraffe = you're unrealistic.
Lion = you're not honest.
Chimpanzee = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.

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A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked, You should take some time off and relax!

Source: http://www.funtoosh.com/?dj.php?details=A10~1200

Nothing is Impossible

In 1980, IDBI bank rejected loan for Ambani.

In 2008, Mukesh Ambani was planning to buy IDBI bank.

this shows nothing is impossible.. .




Now in 2009, HDFC bank rejected loan for me...

but in 2020, I'm planning to....

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Apply for loan again!

Source: http://www.funtoosh.com/?dj.php?details=IND~396

Understanding Financial Crisis in simple terms

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar somewhere in Europe. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Now I hope you finally understand our current Financial Crisis!

Source: Funtoosh

Quote of the Day

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Geek Jokes

Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25! (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)



If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.

The rest of them will write Perl programs.



If the box says, "This software requires Windows XP or better," does that mean it'll run on linux?



How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.



Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.



There are no shortcuts in life, unless you right click and find one...



Q: What is the difference between a programmer and a non-programmer ?

A: The non-programmer thinks a kilobyte is 1000 bytes while a programmer is convinced that a kilometer is 1024 meters



A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staking out an empty house.

They see two people walk in.

Later, they see three people walk out.

The biologist says, "They must have multiplied!"

The engineer says, "I think it was measurement error."

The mathematician says, "Now, if exactly one person walks into the house, it will have zero people in it again."




Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it



When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.


In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.


C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.


With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.




The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.

The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.



The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!" All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"




One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The firechief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

Evacuation

XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees are in office (approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & every employee gathered outside office.

10 mins passed
..............................
5 more mins passed.


Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be the last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% of the employees. While moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are laid off & all their belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office". Hope you have nice career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.